Kane Family Reunion
by snake screamer
Summary: Everyone heading to Lana family reunion what could go wrong.
1. Chapter 1

AGGGHHH!" Lana screamed "Goddamn my live and the people who live in it."

"Jesus women calm down." Pam said

"How can I calm down, i'm heading to my family convention with Archer and Mrs Archer and Ron..." Lana sighed "And you for some reason."

"I told you, Archer usual drive guy is taking a holiday so he hired me to help drive there." Pam said

(Linebreak)

Ron could have easily given us a car to drive but no Sterling said he has a perfect way to get there without any additional cars." Mallory grumbled while Archer and Ron talked

"So they invaded your personal place completely nude and were vague as hell." Ron said

"Yep."

"... Well yeah of course you would misread that into being a invitation to sex." Ron stated

"Thank you!" Archer said

Meanwhile car was driving inconspicuosly behind them

"Remind me why were doing this?" Ray yawned

"Cause i know Ms Archer doing that thing again." Cyril stated

"She sleeping with the head of the KGB?" Cheryl asked

"No!"

"Aww..." Krieger said disappointed.

"She sending Archer on certain cases alone cause she think he won't screw up like he did with the CIA special ones." Cyril said

"But didn't he almost screwed up all the time?" Cheryl asked

"EXACTLY! and i refuse to let my agency name be tarnished cause of it!" Cyril snapped

"Err... should we remind him, Lana and Pam are with the archers or..." Krieger said

"Let him have this." Ray said "Besides how bad could this backfire."

(Linebreak)

"Okay so i get why Archer going, but why the other two?" Pam said

"That was Archer fault, he was bragging about my dad car, and hoping the money the CIA giving him will be use to repair it."

"Ahh there it is." Pam said "She wants to weasel into your dad good graces to leech some money. There no way i can picture her going to theses sort of things willingly. But why is Ron going, I thought he wanted to avoid our usual antics?"

"He read an article about that bradley guy and suspect Mallory possibly cheating on him before he died." Lana sighed

"Which she was. Though to be fair, he wasn't exactly clean either that dead hypocrite. At least with you and Archer both of you are aware your trying to out jealous the other before hitting on other people" Pam said

"Thanks alot." Lana said sarcastically

(Linebreak)

"Why are we stopping now, it suppose to be a 5 hour drive." Mallory said

"Cause A) the family thing tomorrow." Archer said

"WHAT!" Mallory snapped

"I need to talk to you privately and i know i can't do it on your own turf." Lana stated

"and B) we left at like 6:30 and it's already 9. We might as well stop at a motel to sleep." Pam said pointing at a motel

"Ugh... i thought i was through sleeping with you idiots when we moved out of the tunt manor." Mallory sighed

(linebreak)

"There stopping at a cheap ass motel." Ray said using binoculars.

"HAHA!" Cyril shouted

"Haha what?" Cheryl said

"It's obvious she there to meet the client." Cyril said

"Really?" Krieger said dubiously

"Yes, and before you say you doubt Mallory would go to some cheap motel, remember Donovan King apartment.

"How can I forget." Krieger said. "Soo many good hankerchefs."

"But she didn't see his house till we got the job, well more after the job after Pam killed the guy." Cheryl said.

"Fine, if you guys refuse to see logic, then i shall go and get proof." Cyril said annoyed. "Krieger go out and spy out them."

"What, why me?" Krieger asked

"I'm the boss now, and your the employee so you have to do what i say!" Cyril snapped

"Plus the last time he tailed someone he nearly got killed by Archer derange school bullies." Ray said

"Well yeah that too."

"Fine but can i at least change before i sneak in." Krieger said

"Fine but make it quick." Cyril stated "Who knows what there talking about in there."

(Linebreak)

"Well it be my first trip to San francisco in a long while." Mallory said as they were waiting to get there keys

"What? you been here before?" Pam said surprised

"Yes it was during the time the government conducted a series of warfare simulations on american cities to see the effects would play out in the events of an actual chemical attack. I was part of navel one title Operation: Sea-Spray after being denied to be part of Big Buzz." Mallory said

"What?" Lana said surprise

"Oh i heard of that one. Big Buzz was the one were the Army released a bunch of mosquitos somewhere in georgia to determine if the air-dropped mosquitoes could survive to take meals from humans. and i think Sea-Spray was... " Archer said snapping his fingers trying to refresh his memory

"They were spraying Bacterial Pathogens in San Francisco with a little aid from my organization on that part." Mallory stated

"Goddamn." Lana said disturbed

"Oh relax's, aside from pneumonia, San Francisco got off easy." Mallory stated "Plus i got some connections out of it."

"And let me guess some were CIA related." Archer sighed

"The ones you used for the cocaine plan thing." Ron said

"Which led to our current job situation." Lana said

Mallory glared at them "You know for people who complain that I whine about the CIA thing, your quick to bring it up."

"Not our fault you set up the punchline." Pam said as the guy came and handed them two keys. "We'll take one room you take the other."

"Fine by me, i don't want to listen to Mother bitching." Archer said "You coming Ron?"

"Yeah yeah. " Ron said.

(Linebreak)

"What taking Krieger so long?" Cyril said as they waited outside the van they parked in a wooded area.

"Okay i'm good to go."

"What the- how is that a stealth gear!?" Ray snapped as Krieger was dress like a dominatrix

"It was the only clean dark clothes i had, michiko and i use the other for sex night." Krieger said "Now i'm off!"

They watch Krieger run out "Ten buck says this bites us in the ass." Ray said


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2: Motel fun times_

"What the hell is this?" Mallory frowned looking at the piece of paper

"A contract i want you to sign if your going to meet my parents." Lana stated

"Your out of your bloody mind, i'm not signing no contract!" Mallory snapped

"Oh yes you will, if you want any money for the business then you'll do things my way and not yours. Cause every-time we do things your way, it backfire for all of us."

"That not true."

"Oh right there are also the plans where you are left intact till they come back and bite us all in the ass." Lana stated

"BURN!" Pam shouted

"So why not just try my way for once and who knows. Maybe it won't bite us in the throat." Lana said

Mallory grumbled as she started reading the contract.

* * *

"You think this place is safe?" Ron questioned

"Yeah why?"

"Well... i saw a truck outside." Ron said

"Oh come on Ron, those guys probably forgot about us by now." Archer said "What are the chances we see those derange crossdresser in disturbingly high heel again."

(Outside the hotel)

"Wait, this outfit is totally inappropriate for this sort of thing!" Krieger said, he then pulled out a fetish mask (Don't ask where he kept it) and put it on his face. "There we go, now they won't recognize me."

(Back inside)

"Now sit down, Venture bros is on." Archer said

"Who the hell are the venture bros?" Ron questioned, Archer could only sigh in response

* * *

"These demands are idiotic." Mallory snapped "I refuse to sign off for any of them!"

"Oh come on Mrs. Archer, how bad can they be." Pam said

"1) I'm in no way shape or form 'bragging' about my spy career." Mallory said

"Which is a good thing, my parents frown on that stuff. Mom still piss that dad accepted that check from the CIA." Lana said

"And let be honest, your career so crime ridden it surprising it hasn't landed the electric chair yet." Pam said

"7) I have to keep a eye on my son. I refuse to do that."

"You have to, i need him relatively sober for this."

"Then have Pam do it." Mallory snapped

"If i leave those two alone, there just going to get wasted doing some kind of drinking contest." Lana sighed

"We would." Pam admitted

"and number 12 doesn't make sense, why would i want to seduce your father?" Mallory said

"For the money." both Pam and Lana stated

"I'm not that desperate, furthermore were related thanks to AJ and i rather avoid the jokes Ms. Gillette would make if i even consider that." Mallory snarl

"You say that now, but your greed can blind you." Lana said

"I brought Ron along! do you think i would bring him along if i wanted to sleep with someone else!" Mallory snapped

There was a pause of silence till Pam added "Kinda."

(Linebreak)

"Damn Ron what's wrong with you." Archer said

"What, i find it weird is that for a guy whose a supervillain would purposely decide to go with a butterfly, and not even one of those poisonous ones either." Ron stated

"For the last time, he was briefly raise by monarch butterfly hence him honoring them by patterning himself as one and trying to find the group that did when he grew up."

"find them, there butterfly! they got a short lifespan!"

I know that, but they migrated before he made that connection." Archer said

"And whats with him targeting that bald guy? If he was a villain shouldn't he be focus on conquering the world or something."

"Nah, he's obsess with him, and if he wasn't the guild wouldn't let him."

"The what?" Ron stated

"Okay look, there this group called the Guild of Calamitous Intent, there like the largest organized labor group representing supervillain."

"A labor group for villains, that the silliest thing i heard, what do they do, help a supervillain meet the right kind of adversary." Ron said

"Well actually ACK!" Archer shouted.

"Ack, whats a ack?" Ron said as he follow Archer gaze and gasp at the sight of a man wearing dominatrix clothing watching the show outside the window "TRUCKER!"

"Huh?' The guy on the window said as Archer broke the window by tackling him.

(linebreak)

"Whats taking Krieger so long?" Cyril said "How long does it take to get confirmation if there meeting someone."

"Who knows, maybe he stop at the motel vending machine to get a snack." Ray suggested

"Well my guess is that he stopped to watch some tv show but when one of us spotted him, they thought he was a spy or something mess up from our or just there past, probably truck rapey in nature. and after beating him up, will probably try to question him and get uber annoyed when they realize it was just him." Cheryl stated

 **"...** I think I like the vending machine thing better." Cyril said

 **"** Yeah even by your standards Cheryl, that sounds stupid" Ray said

(Linebreak)

"No what stupid Krieger is you dressed up like that to spy on us!" Archer snapped

"Fair enough, but why did you call me a trucker" Krieger said holding a icepack over his eye and clutching his ribs

"None of your beeswax." Ron snapped

"Now where are the others?" Archer said

"There in my van, why?"

"I'm still piss about the spying thing and knowing i have to pay for that motel window."

"Wait, i know a bettr revenge method that doesn't involve destroying my van for the umpteenth time." Krieger said as he pulled out what look like a car alarm system. "Just press the red button and your problem is solved."

"Where were you keeping that?" Archer said

"You don't want to know."

"Umm, can you hold it in a way that have the buttons facing me." Archer said, Krieger did as he asked, Archer use the remote to press it."

* * *

Suddenly inside the van the lights were flashing red. "What the- whats happening?" Cyril said

"Remember that bet i suggested earlier? Yeah the blowing up in our face portion is about to start." Ray sighed as mechanical arms with punching gloves descended from the ceiling. There were loud screaming from the van with a couple of whoo thrown in (Three guesses as to whom.)

(The following morning.)

Mallory, Pam and Lana is seen is seen walking out the door "Okay now that horrible night is over with, maybe we can get- oh for the love of." Mallory snapped as she saw Cyril, Ray and Cheryl with them clutching ice packs over them in the lobby. "Why are you idiots here."

"Mister nosy drag us here cause he thought you were doing a case behind his back." Ray said

"Haha funny funny." Cyril said, sporting two swollen black eyes.

"Cyril, thats a vending machine." Ray said

"... i knew that."

"Why are you all beaten up?" Pam questioned

"Krieger good mechanical boxing gloves did us that favor." Cheryl sighed happily.

"Shut up." Ray snapped

"Well i hate to break it to you but were going to see Lana parents." Pam stated

"Then why did you stop here?" Cyril demanded.

"Still facing a vending machine." Ray said

"it was getting dark out and lana stop here cause she wanted me to sign a stupid contract." Mallory said

"Trying to make sure she doesn't get all money grabby?" Ray said

"Yep." Lana sighed "And this all could have avoided if Cyril check his phone.

"What, what are you talking about?"

"I left Cyril a message on his phone i won't be going to work tomorrow due to my family reunion." Lana explained

"Now that you mention it... i too left a message saying i be away for a few days." Mallory said

"Yeah me too. i said i was your guys chaffuer." Pam said

"Cyril..." Ray said looking annoyed.

"Umm... i might have not check my phone for a few days after the alex malix case (1)." Cyril said hesitantly

"I thought her mom was fined with what happen?" Pam asked "Heck i think she actually paid us double when Krieger tranq her when the police took her away."

"Yes, but alex malix didn't own the building, and the owner still pissed about it." Cyril said

"Hey not my fault he bought low-flow toilets." Pam said

"And a bathroom that was more of a death-trap then bathroom." Ray said

"Whatever, point is, my phone was off so i didn't see any messages." Cyril said annoyed

"So we got beat up for nothing, typical." Ray stated "Well come on you two, we better take Krieger van back home."

"Wait, you borrow Krieger van and he was fine with it?" Lana said

"He said he was fine with it after what we went through." Ray said

"Wait, he's here? why isn't he with you, is he in the van?" Lana asked

* * *

"He's does not own that car." Krieger stated (now in his proper clothing.) all three were in archer car

"He does so Krieger, and i'm taking you there and you will eat your words when you see it." Archer snapped

(Author note: read Red Witch story **Revenge Of The White Dragon** to get that story reference.)


End file.
